I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
