Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
