Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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