I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
