evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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