I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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