eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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