Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
