Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
PANTIES FOUND
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
