Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
not ubering you a puppy
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize