I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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