I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
