Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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