I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
