I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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