i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
