I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
