If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
