well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
