party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
