Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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