she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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