This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
