so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
