I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So squirting runs in the family.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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