I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
