I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
