This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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