I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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