i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My balls are so social today.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
