please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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