My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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