you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
