you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
