those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
