my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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