How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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