i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
