i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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