dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
