i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize