I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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