Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
