My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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