mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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