just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize