Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
