Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
two words...techno handjob
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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