I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
