At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
