Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The air was thick with penises
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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