you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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