i wish my penis had a tongue
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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