the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
