dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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