I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
