I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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