Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
