You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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