I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
