this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
