What did we do last night that was yellow?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
