if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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