i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
